


Feelingspedia

by motivedestiel (230W49thSt)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, feelingspedia, post-season-8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-11
Updated: 2013-09-11
Packaged: 2017-12-26 07:39:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/963318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/230W49thSt/pseuds/motivedestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fic is set a few weeks after the season 8 finale.<br/>Dean & Sam live in the bunker and haven't seen Cas since the fall. Dean started to change because he doesn't want to fake and pretend anymore. When Castiel finally gets back to them, well, to Dean, he not only has to deal with his own torness, but also with a human Cas who is almost unable to cope with the ability to feel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Feelingspedia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sasi](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Sasi).



> This is my first fic, English is not my first language, so please be gentle. (It's not beta'd.) I had to write this fic to deal with my own thoughts of how I picture human!Cas and a changed Dean. Yes, I mention Pokémon because I wrote it for Sasi and there are reasons.

* * *

  **ONE**

„ _How did you feel when I opened the door?“_

_\- „My heart raced and it wasn't a nice feeling. I didn't know how you would react once you see me.“_

„ _This is called fear or anxiety.“_

It's 11 pm. Sam and Dean spend the evening with their noses in books and laptops, trying to gather as much information about the past weeks as they can find. When they hear a loud knock outside on the heavy door, the two hunters turn to each other with a questioning look. They don't expect any visitors, hell, barely anyone even knows about the secret bunker of the Men Of Letters. Since the fall of the angels a few weeks ago, they have tried to fly below the radar of anyone (and anything) and up until now they acutally managed it pretty good.

Demons, Horse Men, even the apocalypse, that's something they could handle in the past. But fallen angels walking the Earth? That's another new definition of a grey zone in their job description. The angels are supposed to be good but of course they tend to act, well, not that good. And who knows of the dangerous and unpredictable behaviour of a celestial being better than the Winchesters? There's the knock again.

\- „Dean, you didn't order pizza, did you?“ Sam gives his brother an alarmed look.

„Dude, I'm not Owen Harper“ Dean answers quietly and reaches for his gun on the shelf.

\- „Owen who?“

„Ah, so close, Sam, so close.“ A small grin appears on Dean's face as he uncocks his M1911 and slowly walks towards the door. He nods to Sam who points his gun in the same direction. Dean's hand has barely touched the knob when he hears...muffled rap music on the other side of the door.

„What the--“ he mumbles and presses his ear onto the door. A few seconds later and without further notice he grabs the knob and rips the door wide open in one smooth move.

\- „DEAN!“ Sam yells both surprised and shocked, his whole body tense.

The impressions hit Dean like the iceberg the Titanic. There is a yellow car with a running engine parked on the dark road in front of the bunker. The dome light has been switched on and he spots two people dancing...or more like hopping on their seats, but they're too far away to make any conclusions about them. Dean has been in a lot of odd and weird situations in his life and this right now just entered his personal top 5. The music sounds so incredible loud through the woods, Dean is sure it can even be heard in a hobbit hole in New Zealand...and, damn, he knows the song. It's...

♫ **GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL – POKÉMON! ♫**

Yes, it's the PokéRap.

„What the--“ Dean repeats, but gets distracted by a sudden move of a shape in a dark spot only a few meters next to him.

„WOAH! STOP!“ His voice was drowned by **♫** **ELECTRODE, DIGLETT, NIDORAN, MANKEY ♫**. He steps back to have more space for his outstreched arms and aims with his gun for the shadow. The shape moves slowly towards Dean until the lamps from the inside of the bunker light up the face of a person.

CAS! Dean yells his name in his head, but even if he had shouted it out loud, it could not have been heard in this noisy environment with all the **♫** **VENUSAUR, RATTATA, FEAROW, PIDGEY** **♫** and **♫** **SEAKING, JOLTEON, DRAGONITE, GASTLY ♫** in the background. Castiel mouths 'Hello Dean' and no one moves for several seconds. They keep staring at each other, invading each other's personal space, Castiel apparently relieved that Dean has lowered the gun and the hunter in disbelief. Dean doesn't even notice the music fading out [ **♫** **Ponyta, Vaporeon, Poliwrath, Butterfree ♫** ] as the car vanishes into the darkness.

\- „Hello Dean,“ Castiel says again and takes a step back. The sudden silence is almost unbearable.

„Are you okay?“ Dean's voice cracks but he doesn't care. The man in front of him looks terrible. The former angel has tired red-rimmed eyes, some scratches on his face and his hair is a mess. He wears a pair of black jeans and a purple shirt with big red eyes and an evil grin on the front. But the most irritating part is that Castiel has just left his personal space. _On his own._ Without being lectured about it. Not that he ever meant it serious though. A sick feeling spreads in Dean's stomach.

\- „I think so. May I, uhm, crash on your couch for a while?“

He tries, Dean tries really hard to say something, anything, but the shock is overwhelming. Everything about Cas screams HUMAN. It's like Dean has been slammed against a wall, unable to move anymore. Sure, he had met Cas in the 2014-future-sequence he's been sent to, but this is happening _now_. This is real _now_. And that's the difference.

\- „Sure, Castiel, sure, come on in.“ Sam, who hasn't said anything yet, stands in the doorway gesturing him inside. „You can stay as long as you want.“ The man without the trenchcoat nods gratefully at him and enters the bunker but not without casting a glance at Dean who is still trying to collect his thoughts. Dean follows them inside and shuts the door behind him. For a second he presses his head on the cool wood, but his mind is still spinning like crazy.

 

* * *

  **TWO**

 „ _How did you feel when Sam asked you about what happened?“_

_\- „I couldn't understand what you are feeling and I thought you were angry with me and I probably should have come to you right away and there was this sick feeling in my stomach.“_

„ _That's guilt, Cas, you were scared and you had a guilty conscience.“_

\- „What happened? We hoped you'd find the way to us sooner. It's been over 4 weeks since...“ Sam hesitates, unsure if it's okay to talk about the elephant in the room. The atmosphere in the living room is tense. Sam is standing next to the book shelf, Dean is still leaning against the door and Castiel is hopping nervously from one foot to the other somewhere between the brothers, holding a small bag in his hand. It's strange to see him so twitchy. Sam darts a glance at Dean, but his brother's look passes right through him. It's like his brain has completly shut down.

\- „I...uhm...“ Castiel begins, apparently uncomfortable, turning his head between Dean and Sam. When he finally sets his eyes on Dean, he stops talking and falls quiet.

„Why don't you take a seat on the couch, Castiel. Dean, can I talk to you? In the kitchen?“ Sam smiles at Castiel and drags his brother into the next room.

\- „Dean, pull yourself together!“ Sam tries to keep his voice as low as possible because the kitchen doesn't have a door to close,

\- „He's our friend and he needs us more than ever. I know this is strange but we have to get used to it. He's human now, we both _knew_ it. I know you're avoiding the subject and I also happen to know how you feel about him – you don't need to roll your eyes on me - but you can't be like that, not now.“ He grabs his brother by his shoulders.

\- „We need to talk about it. You changed, Dean, we all changed. I can feel that you're scared like shit about your change. I mean, you're not commenting _everything_ with a stupid popculture joke anymore, you don't get into discussions with me anymore. “ Sam shakes his head, looking frustrated at his brother.

\- „If I didn't know it better, I'd say you were just annoyed, pissed off or sad, but that doesn't sum it up properly, am I right?“ Sam's eyes change from upset to soft and he says quietly:

\- „You tried to be yourself for the first time in your life.“ It isn't a question because Sam doesn't need to ask if it's the truth. He knows already. After the fall of the angels and everything that happened to Sam and obviously Castiel, Dean had stopped putting on a mask. From one moment to another. It happened in that moment when Dean and Sam leaned against the Impala, watching the angels fall like comets on the earth. And in that moment, when Dean muttered „no, Cas“, everything changed - even more than it already had. Dean doesn't talk that much anymore. Less than ever before. He refuses to talk about his feelings and he doesn't even want to talk about movies or music. And for the first time in their lives, Sam is taking care of his brother, and not just by organizing things, buying food and the other usual stuff you need to do to survive on a daily basis, but especially in an emotional and mentally way. Sam tries to give him a feeling of stability and safety. And the most important part: Dean doesn't object in any form. The crack Dean hide his whole life has been ripped open. And there's no going back.

\- „Dean, do you hear me?“

„You're not my therapist, don't psychoanalyze me.“

\- „I know it's a lot to ask, Dean, but....he needs you. _You_. It's Cas.“

The moment Sam says 'Cas', the nickname Dean gave him many years ago, he awakes from his state of trance.

„Damn it, I know it's Cas, Sam, but it's human!--“ (he draws an exclamation mark with his index finger into the air which earns a confused look from Sam) „--!Cas now.“

Now that he's able to speak again, he cannot keep his voice low. Not at all. And he is upset. His emotions rushing through his body as if they waited all weeks long for this moment.

„Do you even _know_ what this means?“ Dean paces the kitchen floor and continues, „he _feels_ now, Sam, _goddamit_ , he feels everything, every damn feeling. Didn't you see him? He looks like he's been haunted. I don't know how he can even manage to...get through this.“ Sam can feel Dean's misplaced anger but he also detects a huge concern and fear in his brother's eyes.

„You didn't know what happened to him when Zachariah gave me a free ride on a Tardis to 2014, you--“ he strikes his hand over his mouth, „you haven't seen him. How shattered he's been. Or will be. And now look at him, he's already tired and has“ - he points with his fingers at his face, groping for words,

\- „Cuts?“

“Yes“, his voice gets louder as he speaks and he gesticulates with his arms, „he has cuts on his face and this son of a bitch could even _die_ if he isn't careful enough!“ Dean swallows, his eyes fixed on Sam, his body trembling.

\- „Dean, he--“

„He knew where we were, why didn't he come to us right away?“ The last words of his question are almost inaudible because he lost his voice. It is obvious that he has carried this question as a burden on his heart since they left the small church in the night the sky was bright.

\- „Why don't you ask him yourself?“ Sam replies and looks right over Dean's shoulder. Right. Of course. Like in a movie. _Fuck. My. Life._ Dean shuts his eyes.

\- „I'm gonna get some beer from the gas station.“ He feels a pat on his shoulder (Dean hates pats), hears Sam walking out of the kitchen, taking the keys of the Impala and leaving the bunker. Sam had hoped Dean would be more stable when he met Castiel again, but there's nothing he can do about it anymore. He feels bad about the speech he gave his brother, but he had to wake him up and that's been his way to spill cold water over Dean's thoughts. Dean and Cas have to figure it out on their own. For the sake of both of them.

 

* * *

  **THREE**

„ _What did you feel when....I hugged you?“_

_\- „It felt like something bad got away from me and like nothing bad won't ever come to me no matter what would happen.“_

„ _That's relief and security.“_

_\- „My heart also raced very quick when I touched your neck and--“_

„ _Cas.“_

\- „What do you want to ask me, Dean?“

He turns around. Castiel is standing on the other side of the kitchen. His nervous energy passes over to Dean who has the urge to either smack him in the face or...he doesn't know yet. He takes a deep breath.

„Cas, you know...“ he begins as calm as possible but his eyes get caught on Castiel's fingers which are twitching in front of his body, entangled with each other. In the past, Castiel used to be stronger if he wanted to, simply because he was an angel which granted him certain skills and power. Now Dean is standing in front of a shattered man who's been smashed with the human ability (or curse?) to feel. The Castiel he used to know is gone...isn't he? He takes a few steps towards Castiel. He can see Castiel feeling...things. He can literally see the _process of feeling_ in Castiel's pose, in his face, in his eyes, in every move. But he can't really name the _kind_ of feeling he observes because it looks like he's feeling _everything_ at the same time. Dean takes another step towards him and invades his personal space on purpose. And Cas steps back, like he did outside, and lowers his head. If someone saw them now, it would look like a strange little dance.

„Stop it, Cas!“ He's done with this bullshit right now because he doesn't know what to do about this whole new situation and slaps against the other man's hands to stop his distracting nervous movements – and regrets it instantly. Castiel looks up again and Dean can see his eyes quickly filling with tears.

That's it.

„I'm sorry, I'm so sorry“ he mumbles as he reaches out to Cas and hugs him tight, „I didn't mean to...“ He can feel the hot breath on his neck, then the shaking of Castiel's body when the fallen angel starts to cry and at last he feels the wet tears sinking into his shirt.

\- „I'm sorry I'm such a mess, Dean.“

„It's okay, Cas, it's gonna be okay, you're safe now.“

In the first minute Dean is almost unable to cope with Castiel's crying so he does the only thing he can think of: holding him tight, not letting him go. In silence.

In the second minute Castiel's shaking and crying has stopped and Dean can feel a more regular breathing in his neck.

In the third minute Dean becomes strangely aware of Cas' breath in his neck and the body heat they share. For a second he thinks about ending the hug but instead of it he hugs even tighter and he can hear and feel Cas taking a deep breath.

In the fourth minute Castiel's lips touch Dean's neck just to rest there. Dean's heart skips a bit.

In the fourth minute Dean moves his head until his lips carefully touch Castiel's neck just to rest there, too. Castiel's heart skips a beat.

In the fifth minute Castiel parts his lips and presses his mouth gently on a spot under Dean's ear.

In the fifth minute –-

♫ V **ENOMOTH, POLIWAG, NIDORINO, GOLDUCK ♫**

Dean leans back. „ARE YOU SERIOUS?“ Castiel fumbles in his pocket and holds up a ringing cell phone.

♫ **IVYSAUR, GRIMER, VICTREEBEL, MOLTRES ♫**

„For God's sake, now pick it up!“

♫ **NIDOKING, FARFETCH'D, ABRA, JIGGLYPUFF ♫**

 **-** „But this is my favourite part.“

♫ **KINGLER, RHYHORN, CLEFABLE, WIGGLYTUFF ♫**

The way Castiel smiles when he sings „Wigglytuff“ takes all the worries away Dean had to deal with during the last weeks and he cannot help himself but to return a smile.

\- „Hello?“ Castiel answers and holds his cell on his ear. They are still standing pretty close to each other and Dean just wants to slam the cell to the ground to get lost in the warm embrace again. But at least he has a chance to look closer at Cas without him noticing.

\- „Yes, I'm fine.“ Castiel is watching his own feet, wipping forth and back.

\- „No, I haven't eaten yet.“ Castiel is running with his hand through his hair.

\- „Yes, I will.“ Castiel is scratching his flushed cheeks.

\- „No, I'm not alone.“ Castiel raises his head again and his blue eyes are staring straight into Dean's green eyes.

\- „Yes, you too. Good night.“ He puts his cell back into his pocket.

„Let me guess: Jesse and James wanted to take make sure Meowth's doing fine.“

Castiel tilts his head in confusion.

\- „How do you know they call me Meowth?“

Dean's mouth opens in surprise and he heaves a sigh. How can Cas possibly be that ( _don't think 'cute', don't think 'cute'_ ) – cute?

* * *

**FOUR**

„ _What did you feel when I opened my eyes?“_

_\- „My heart beat fast, but in a good way. I wanted you to see me because I like it so much and I wanted you to like it, too.“_

„ _This is antici.....“_

_\- „What, Dean?“_

„ _...pation.“_

„Are you hungy?“

\- „I'm not hungry, Dean.“

„Let's have dinner.“ He ignores Castiel's answer because he's pretty sure he has heard his stomach rumbling during their hug. Their very intimate hug. He opens the freezer and gets out a pizza, nearly dropping it on the floor when he thinks of Castiel's lips on his neck. Did that really just happen?

„So,“ he clears his throat, „when did you join Team Rocket?“

While they're waiting for the pizza in the oven, Castiel tells Dean everything that has happened since his last encounter with Metatron. Dean is surprised how well he can follow the series of events that lead his friend back to the bunker. He remembers the Castiel of the past as someone that needed to be asked a lot of question in order to get the right amount of information but now he's human he seems to talk a lot more. He's almost a bit chatty. Dean wonders how much more he has already changed... Long story short: Castiel's been lost on a highway and was picked up by a girl and a boy in their mid-twenties on their way to Comic Con. Although Castiel uses the word 'friends', Dean thinks 'Jesse' and 'James' were more likely Cas' guardians because apparently they took care for him even though they didn't know why this man acted so strange and awkward.

„You tell me you cosplayed Meowth. As part of Team Rocket. At Comic Con. Last weekend. You're kidding me, right?!“

\- „Yes, cosplay, that's the word they used.“ Castiel's tone of voice is as serious as he'd just made a statement as a witness in a murder trial. Dean gazes at him and a soft chuckle escapes his mouth.

„Can I see, I mean--“ It's not easy for Dean not to break into laughter, „Are there any photos of your trip?“ He still can't believe it. Castiel traveled with two cosplayer (whose real names he doesn't even know!) through the country, probably sang **♫ ZUBAT, PRIMEAPE, MEOWTH, ONIX, GEODUDE, RAPIDASH, MAGNETON, SNORLAX** **♫** in the car, spent time at Comic Con dressed up as Meowth and finally decided to get back to him. Well, to _them_. To Dean and Sam.

\- „No, I haven't got any pictures yet, but James will send them to my phone as soon as they got home. He said he's sure you could help me with the cell.“ Dean tries to hide his disappointment. „Oh, you're sad. I made you sad,“ Cas blurts and rushes back to the living room leaving Dean frozen in a 'what the hell just happened why did he assume I was sad because I AM NOT SAD or whatever I don't need to see any photos and why is the pizza not done yet' pose in the kitchen.

„Cas, what...“

\- „Don't look!“ He hears Castiel's voice in the living room, „Close your eyes, will you?“ Dean sighs but he doesn't want to argue with Cas. Not now, not today. He closes his eyes and answers „Yes...they are closed.“ He feels really stupid when he hears Castiel entering the kitchen and walking towards him.

\- „All right, open your eyes.“

So he does and Dean's heart begins to race when he sees Castiel right in front of him. He's wearing his clean trenchcoat – _his trenchcoat_ \- and, oh God, Meowth-like fake cat ears on his head. Castiel looks both unsure and happy, but also a little bit proud. He quints at Dean, waiting for a reaction. And he gets a reaction. Dean can't remember the last time he smiled so wide it hurt. There's a prickle on his cheeks, a warm wave is passing through his whole body, ereasing every bad thought and feeling of the past weeks and his heart already exploded seconds ago just to be replaced by a bigger one. As soon as Castiel notices Dean's positive (understatement of the year) reaction, he smiles sheepishly, his eyes moving between his feet and Dean's face until they're gazing at each other. Moments pass and they are content with smiling at each other. Staring into each other's eyes, that's something they both know from the past. That's how they kept connected to each other. With both of them unable to speak and unable to touch, it was the only thing they could manage. It used to be their way to say 'I'm here, I'm right by your side, you can count on me, even though I might do things you don't like, please trust me' and so much more. And Dean can see Castiel's face flooded with emotions. Everything is so different, but also familar. As if the things that had been unspoken for so long were suddenly revealed in their smiles.

* * *

  **FIVE**

„ _What did you feel when...“_

_\- „I like the heat of your body.“_

„ _Okay...“_

Now it's Dean's cell phone that breaks the silence. „Sam?“ he says after he picked it up from the kitchen table. „Are you all right?“ Castiel shares a concerned look with Dean who instantly shakes his head in a reassuring way. „Yes, we're fine. It's okay. See you tomorrow.“ He hangs up.

\- „Dean, if Sam doesn't want me to be here, I can leave. I don't want to cause any trouble.“ Castiel's eyes fill with tears, but he fights against the urge to cry again.

„Bullshit, Cas“ Dean responds and puts the cell back on the table, „Sam wasn't lying when he said you could stay as long as you want to.“ It's hard for him to see Cas so damaged and he lays a hand on Cas' shoulder.

\- „But you said 'see you tomorrow'. Why won't he come back? I should have called first, shouldn't I?“ His fingers begin to twitch in front of his body again but Dean doesn't smack against them like he did before but gently touches them with his hand.

„It's not about you“ Dean answers softly, but corrects himself right after, „well, it's not _only_ about you, it's about me, I mean...it's about us.“

\- „About us?“ Castiel tilts his head. With his Meowth-ears still on his head and his bright blue eyes he looks ridiculously stunning.

„I want a beer, do you want a beer?“ Dean rushes to the fridge, grabs two bottles of cold beer and opens them without waiting for Castiel's response. He hands him one bottle.

\- „Dean“ Cas says carefully and slowly, „don't get me wrong, but you are a bit OOC.“ Dean is glad he hadn't taken a sip yet because he might have choke on the beer.

„Did you just reference fanfict--, are you writing fanfictions now?“

\- „Bitch I might be.“

 _Goodbye, sanity._ Dean can't no longer hold himself together. He breaks into laughter and Castiel joins him. They're literally cracking up, Dean slaps his thighs and gets down on his knees, his hands covering his face. The beer bottle somewhere rolling on the floor, spilling the cold liquid all over the kitchen. He hears Castiel giggling and looks up, trying to straight himself.

„You Muggle, come down here.“ He pulls on the trenchcoat. Cas shakes with laughter again when he sinks on the floor next to Dean. „What the hell was that, Cas?“

\- „Jesse and James said it all the time. A lot of people said it at ComicCon. I'm just trying to fit in.“

„You're telling me I am behaving out of character and you are just--“ Castiel is waiting for Dean to finish his sentence, but the hunter shakes his head. He wanted to ask Castiel why he was so different, which is a stupid idea. Obviously it's because he's human and he doesn't want to spoil the cheered up moment.

\- „What?“ Castiel asks expectantly.

„I don't want to be, uhm, tactless.“

\- „You want to know what it's like to me being human.“

Dean sighs and nods. „It's okay, if you don't want to talk about it, I'm sure it--“

\- „But I do want to talk about it,“ he interrupts Dean, „but only with you, if that's okay.“ The way Castiel stresses 'with you' creates a new tension between them. Dean swallows and nods again. They're sitting opposite to each other on the floor, Dean cross-legged and Cas with his both legs spread out to Dean's left. He takes a deep breath, looks down on his hands and begins:

\- „I feel like someone is constantly throwing bombs onto me and I can't avoid them no matter what I do. I heard what you said to Sam before. About me feeling everything. When I was an angel,“ his voice cracks clearly, „I did have feelings, too, but in a completly different way. Anna for instance was the first one who explained to me the feeling called doubt. But the feelings of an angel and a human, it's not even comparable.“ Dean exhales loudly. „There is so much sadness“ Cas rubs with his hand over his forehead, „and so much feelings I haven't thought about before, feelings I can't even name yet, so many different shades. In the past, I only had to deal with some angelic forms of the main feelings, similiar to hate, betrayal, anger, affection, loyalty, and sometimes I could even spot them in other people, like you,...but now...“ He looks at Dean. „It's not only about me having feelings, it's even more about dealing with the sudden realization that others have to deal with them, too. And that I might be the reason of causing bad emotions.“ Their eyes are still locked with each other when Dean finally whispers the question he needed to be answered so badly:

„Is this the reason why you didn't come back to me in the first place?“ He is aware of him saying 'me' and not 'us'. It's like time had stopped until Cas breaks the silence:

\- „Yes. I was afraid, and still am, that I...that I might hurt anyone. That I might hurt you. Or that I have already hurt you.“

„You haven't hurt me.“ Dean blurts under his breath. Everything is spinning and everything is standing still at the same time. Their stare was never that intense before. It's almost like two parallel universes finally have collided to create a brand new world where everything is possible. Castiel is the first who can't stand the intensity anymore and looks down.

\- „And I also was worried that you might annoy me now that I'm human.“ Dean laughs about this unexpected joke, leans towards him and pushes against Cas' chest. He catches Castiel off guard who can't keep his balance and falls on his back.

„Oh damn, are you okay?“ Dean shouts after he heard the sound of Castiel's head bumping on the floor and leans over him, his hands next to his shoulders.

\- „I'm fine“ he replies. Cas puts his hands on Dean's shoulders and slowly raises the pressure, causing Dean to sink down onto Castiel's chest until they can feel each other's breath. Dean's upper body rests lightly on Cas, both of his legs laying on the right side next to him. It's slightly uncomfortable, but it feels good to be so close again. It feels right. Their noses could easily touch. Cas hands slide up to Dean's head, stroking his hair and neck. Dean closes his eyes for one moment.

DING

The pizza is done.

****

They eat in silence, sitting next to each other on the couch. It's slightly awkward. After the oven made that interrupting sound, Dean had got up fast and they haven't really spoken to each other since that moment.

„So...“ Dean begins after they finished their last slices of pizza.

\- „So...what?“ Castiel smiles in confusion.

Dean bites his underlip. „Well, you've told me you're having a hard time with all the feelings crap earlier, so...“

\- „So what?“ Cas repeats with a chuckle and comes a little bit closer, like he'd wait for a present. Dean notices that Cas is more relaxed than during the first minutes of the meeting this night. Though it's a relief to him, the difficult part is still ahead of them.

„Okay, Cas, you need to help me here, I'm not good at this stuff“ Dean snaps loud and serious. „No, don't...Cas, I'm not angry with you,“ he adds quickly when Castiel strains his body, the smile vanished.

„What about this? You're telling me how you feel, ah, no, I mean, just _try to describe_ whatever you think you feel, whatever happens to your, uh, body. Or brain or whatever.“

\- „And then?“

„Then I'm gonna tell you the name of the feeling so you can learn it and try to deal with it.“

Cas smiles again.

\- „Like a feelingspedia.“

Dean can't help but laugh. „Yes. We're going to make a feelingspedia for you.“

Dean has stopped asking Castiel questions about all the references concerning fandom terms, internet things and so on. Cas said before, he just tried to fit in. As soon as he became human, he became mortal. And with the helplessness appears the constant danger of dying. Dean guesses it's just one of the survival instincts kicking in – if you don't want to die, join a group and fit in. That's what he did. That's why he adapted things so quickly. And since the only people he was surrounded by were people visiting ComicCon...no surprise he's gotten familiar with so many new terms.

 

* * *

  **SIX**

„ _What did you feel when I stepped out of the bathroom?“_

_\- „Cas, this is about you, not me.“_

„ _But I want to understand.“_

 

\- „May I take a shower first?“

„Ye--, yes, of course.“ Dean stumbles. Apparently he isn't the only one to change subjects faster than the angels fell from heaven. He gives him clean towles and shows him the way to the bathroom.

„You know how to shower, don't you?“ The words barely slipped through his lips, he grimaces and a choir in his head starts singing a remix of a compliation of 'shit shit shit shit'. He was really serious about the question in one way, but, uuhhh....Of course Cas knows how to shower. He did shower after he came back from purgatory, for instance. And Dean has a vivid memory of the moment Cas walked out of the bathroom that day... Castiel turns around, taking off his Meowth-ears, a smile playing around the corner of his mouth.

\- „Yes“ he says and Dean hears the curious amusement in Castiel's voice, „I guess so.“

„I was kidding.“

\- „Okay then.“ He takes off the trenchcoat and thrusts it along with the fake ears into Dean's hands. Then Cas starts nibbling on the belt of his jeans and Dean leaves quickly the room with a mumbled „yeah, okay then...“

A short moment later he hears the running water of the shower. With the trenchcoat and the fake soft ears still in his hands, Dean has finally a few moments to sort his head. He is back, his angel. The angel that saved him from perdition. Literally and in a figuratively way. The last time he held the folded trenchcoat in his hands...no, he doesn't want to think about it.

***

Dean returns to the kitchen to wash the dishes and clean the rest of the beer that had been spilled on the floor. His thoughts go back to the moment when Castiel had stroken his hair and his neck. In his heart Dean knows what he feels and he knows what Castiel feels, but he doesn't want this realization to take hold of him. There's still a part in him that tries to rationalize his feelings. Sam is right, isn't he? Castiel needs his help to deal with this world and his humanity. And it wouldn't be very helpful if Dean admitted his feelings and –

\- „DEAN!“ He hears Castiel shouting and runs to the bathroom.

„Cas, are you okay?“ The door opens a little bit and he sees half of Castiel's face.

\- „I forgot my bag with my clothes. Can you give me my clothes, please?“

„Sure, sure.“ Dean goes into the living room and grabs the bag Cas brought with him. For a short moment he thought about bringing Castiel the whole bag, but he did say 'give me my clothes' and not 'bag', didn't he? His curiosity wins and Dean and opens the bag. There are a few shirts, a few jeans and a smaller bag with washing things. Dean's curiosity isn't satisfied. He wants to know more about Cas, who he is now. There has to be a hint, even a little one, just a little something. He doesn't even really know what he's looking for until he opens a small plastic bag hidden in a towel. It was his shirt. It was Dean's rugged green shirt. Heat flashed through his body. He tought he'd lost it sometime ago in some crappy motel room, but he'd never imagined Cas might have taken it. Dean kept the trenchcoat, Cas kept the shirt.

„DEAN!“

\- „Hold your horses, I'm coming.“ He quickly puts it back in the plastic bag and takes a random shirt, some black pajama pants and, well, underwear. Dean's heart shouldn't beat that fast right now and he shakes his head when he goes back to the bathroom.

„Cas, this is the same shirt you wore before. How many of them do you have?“ The door opens a tiny bit more and reveals Cas' upper body and Dean forgot what he just asked. Castiel's face is beaming when Dean hands him the clothes.

\- „This is Gengar.“ Dean sighs and, thank God, Castiel thinks he refers to the talk about Pokémon and not to Castiel being naked behind that door. There's a moment of silence because Dean needs a second to understand Castiel's waiting for a response, but he just keeps staring at him.

\- „I like Gengar“ Cas says almost defensive, closes the door and Dean hears him softly singing.

♫ **GENGAR, TANGELA, GOLDEEN, SPEAROW, WEEZING, SEEL, GYARADOS, SLOWBRO ♫**

* * *

**SEVEN**

„ _What did you feel when I pushed myself away from you?“_

_\- „One part of me felt...sad, I guess. And the other part wanted you to feel good about us and this is most important to me.“_

„ _Did you just say 'us'?“_

A few minutes later a dressed Castiel leaves the bathroom just to find Dean still standing in front of it. Dean has no idea what to think, what to feel, what to do, constantly trying to stay as rational as possible about the whole situation. He promised himself to be real. He promised to stop faking and pretending. But what if it's for Castiel's sake? It isn't easy for Dean to be himself. Dean who hasn't been himself since that faithful night in November so many years ago. It's a slow process and involves a lot of patience, both of him and the people around him, like Sam. He can't be as unstable as Castiel. He has to be stronger. He has to protect him, he has to-- no. Dean shakes his head to stop his torness. He already began to strip layer after layer he had put on his soul, his personality, his character, damn, his whole being and he doesn't want to stop now. He doesn't want to be the Atlas of this world. And he most certainly doesn't want to get a whole new brand of guilt everytime he tries to do the right thing, no matter if he messes up or not.

\- „Dean?“ Castiel asks and brushes through his wet hair, looking concerned. No, he most definitely doesn't want to stop now. He can be himself and be there for Castiel. Both. There's no other way. If they are weak together, they can grow strong together as well – but not in a dependent way. In a helping way. He just needed Cas to get back. To know Cas is safe, at least somehow.

„I'm fine“ Dean said and paused. „I'm fine now that you're here.“ It's hard to get out those word. „I was really worried, Cas.“

\- „I'm sorry“ Castiel answered and his eyes are scanning Dean's face. „May I hug you again?“ Dean swears his consciousness left his body for a splinter of a second. Shit. His stomach. His stomach is doing things it hasn't done in a long time. He is only able to give Cas a little nod before he spreads his arms to let Castiel sink against his chest like in the kitchen before. It's different now because it's a special kind of hug. It's no hello-hug, it's no goodbye-hug, it's no yeah-we-didn't-die-hug, it's no comfort-hug, it's just...a hug. Which makes it special. Castiel presses his nose against Dean's neck again. His wet hair makes Dean shiver and he lays one hand firmly on the back of Castiel's head. Cas shifts his head and presses his lips against Dean's neck.

„Castiel“ Dean mumbles and get's a soft „Hmmm?“ as an answer. The former angel parts his lips and kisses. Soft at first but slowly getting firmer, wandering from Dean's collarbone up to his ear. Dean's breathing gets heavier. The Dean from the past wouldn't even have gotten in this situation in the first place and there's still a huge part in him that is about to run away any second, but he lets go of all his thoughts the best he can. If it wasn't Castiel, he would have run. But it's Castiel. And they _do_ share a more profound bond. Dean runs his hand through the wet hair, turns his head a little bit and kisses Castiel's neck in return, but he can't do soft right now. Hell, he even has problems to kiss properly. His head, his body, his feelings, they all shout Castiel's name. When he drags his teeth carefully into Castiel's shoulder, Cas moanes which makes Dean's brain activate a part that's responsible for spontaneous anxiety and he pushes himself away from him.

„I'm sorry, I-“ Dean struggles but is interrupted by Castiel.

\- „It's okay, Dean.“ He smiles, his cheeks flushed. It is an honest smile. Dean's heart feels like it's flying. Being himself and feeling kind of alright seems to be possible. He doesn't need to hide who he is or what he feels or how confused he is when he's with Castiel because who knows better than Cas right now?

„Do you hear that?“ Dean asks and walks to the kitchen. Castiel follows him.

♫ **KABUTO, PERSIAN, PARAS, HORSEA** **♫**

„Cas. Your, uhm, cell. Again.“

♫ **RATICATE, MAGNEMITE, KADABRA, WEEDINBELL** **♫**

Dean watches Cas talking. He doesn't even hide anymore that he stares at him. His thoughts are creating his own new happy place just by watching this...person, this being, this ex angel, this piece of existence, whatever, it doesn't matter who or what Castiel is or was or will be. It's strange how everything changed in those few hours Cas is back.

\- „Dean?“ Castiel hands him the phone. „James wants to talk to you.“

„Uhm, hello?“ Dean coughs. They talk a lot. Basically James tells him exactly the same Castiel already told him before but of course from the point of view of an „older“ human. And Dean feels a knot in his stomach listening to all the fun they seem to had at Comic Con. He turns around and looks for Castiel just to see him sitting on the couch again.

\- „He was really scared to see you again. I hope you and him will find your peace. I don't know what happened in the past and Castiel tried to avoid the subject like he's hiding a treasure, but I'm pretty sure you've had to slash some dragons, dude.“

Dean chuckles sadly. „Yeah, it's been like the apocalypse some days.“ He breathes deeply. „Listen, I- I really appreciate you looking out for Castiel. Thank you.“

\- „Hey, no problem. It was fun and he was a decent Meowth. At least if he didn't talk.“ They both laugh. „Dean,“ James' voice gets serious, „he talked a lot about you with Jesse. He was pretty damaged. So, hm...“

„I'm taking care of him“ Dean replies without any hesitation. „He'll be alright.“ And quietly he added „We both will be alright.“

\- „Good. If he ever gets sad or can't sleep, talk to him about Pokémon. Ditto, Cloyster, Caterpie, Sandshrew and so on. Ordinary people might count sheeps--“

„Cas isn't ordinary“ Dean interrupts him.

\- „Yeah, that's why he counts Pokémons.“

They soon finish their conversation and Dean sinks on the couch next to Castiel.

„James sent the pictures to your phone, let's have a look“ Dean said. „I mean, if you don't mind.“ Castiel smiles.

\- „I don't mind at all.“ He moves closer to Dean, their bodies touch. Dean wants to look into Cas' eyes but he already laid his head onto Dean's shoulder. Holding up the cell and scrolling through many pictures, Castiel tells about everyone a little story.

\- „This is Bulbasaur. I don't know if it's more animal or plant.“ He pauses. „That's why I don't like it.“ His low voice so close to his ear it gives Dean goose bumps and he cringes.

„Oh, this is a video.“ Dean leans his head against Castiels and...puts his left arm around Cas' shoulder, still holding the phone in his right hand in front of them. The video shows a dressed Team Rocket walking through some floors on Comic Con. Someone already edited and cutted it. Meowth-Castiel looks both lost and in peace. Dean starts to giggle when the cosplaying Cas tilts his head and stares at the camera saying in a serious tone „We need to go. The costume contest already began. Hurry.“

* * *

**EIGHT**

„ _What do you feel right now?“_

„ _I feel vulnerable, Cas.“_

Even after they watched all the photos and videos on Castiel's cell phone they stay in the same position on the couch. Dean puts the cell on his right side and rests his hands on his stomach. Seconds later Castiel lays his own hand upon Dean's. His words seem to be chosen carefully as if he'd already sense how precautious he has to be.

\- „Dean. I said it before...you're acting strange.“

„I'm just being me, you know.“

\- „I know. That's strange. “

„You...don't like me being myself?“

\- „No. That's not what I meant. I just stated the fact that it's strange, like unusual.“

„You're okay with it?“

\- „Just because you hide who you were in the past didn't mean I couldn't look past the mask you've put on. At least I got some glances of what you've been hiding.“

Silence. Dean looks at their hands and slowly closes one hand around Castiel's.

„Castiel, I'm tired.“ He turns his head to Castiel who stares right into his eyes. „And I don't mean tired-tired, I mean...“ He breaks the eye contact and gazes at their hands again. „I'm feeling tired of being this new myself...There's a lot of crap inside of me and I honestly don't know how I'm ever gonna be myself without feeling like I'm failing everyone and without letting that crap take control over me, more, than it already had. You have no idea how confusing everything is.“

\- „As a matter of fact I have an idea.“ Castiel responded quietly, „When we met, I was different. I was an different angel. You may not know this or payed much attention, but you taught me what feeling means. I..slowly learnt to feel. It starts with observing and adapting. An angel learning how to feel is way more difficult than a human learning how to speak or walk. We're not made to feel. We're made to be soldiers, to obey and complete our orders. You know what I told you once? That I was getting to close to the humans in my charge? To you? It's because I already started to feel, to express emotions, so little, only another angel could notice. Emotions. The doorways to doubt. And having doubt as an angel, that leads to...“ he sighs and leaves the sentence unfinished. Dean has to swallow. Castiel already started to feel when he was still an angel, so his feelings as a human have to be even more stronger. No, he definitely hadn't thought about if before. Dean turns to Cas in a rush. „I'm sorry, Cas, I am so sorry what you're deali--“ Castiel put a hand on Dean's cheek.

\- „It's okay. It will be okay.“ Dean's left arm pulls Cas nearer. Their foreheads collide, the bridges of their noses touch each other. Seconds pass, their eyes unsure if to close or stare at each other.

„So you like Pokémon?“

\- „Yes.“

„I can dig Pokémon. Charmander is my favourite.“

\- „Dean.“

„Castiel.“

\- „I don't know what I am feeling.“

„Okay. Let's start from the beginning. Step by step. How did you feel when I opened the door?“

 

* * *

**NINE**

 

Dean's neck started to hurt a few minutes ago because his head was still turned to the left, their foreheads together, but he ignores the pain.

„Castiel.“

\- „Dean.“

„I guess I'm also in need of a feelingspedia because I don't know what I'm feeling either.“

\- „What do you feel right now?“

„I feel vulnerable, Cas.“ Castiel tilts his head and the sides of their noses brush against each other. His eyes meet Dean's.

\- „What am I feeling right now, Dean?“ he whispers, his mouth so close that Dean feels his breath against his own lips. When Dean answers slowly, their lips touch slightly and Cas can feel the formed words on his own.

„Tell me.“

\- „This is how I imagine a human vessel of an angel must feel like. I feel like I'm chained to a comet.“ Castiel's lips brush over Dean's when he's talking and it's almost like kissing except it's not.

„What's the comet?“

\- „You.“ The first moment Dean presses his lips onto Cas', he doesn't even notice that he's kissing him because it's only a soft touch but when none of them is talking anymore, he realizes his action and draws back. He gazes at Castiel as if he uses his eyes for the first time and runs his hand through the now almost dry hair. Fighting demons is what they're used to, but this is new territory for both of them and far more exhausting. Physically and mentally. Friendship, affection, love. There are so many words for different emotions and everyone's experience is different.

\- „It's helpful to have more vivid examples for the feelingspedia.“ Castiel whispers and looks like he wants to drown in Dean's eyes. Dean smiles and draws closer to Cas again. Their noses touch. Castiel feels Dean's words on his lips.

„Let's start with A“, he mutteres quietly, „you are allowed to label this with 'affection'.“ They kiss. Just the same as before with their lips barely moving, but soon Dean deepens the kiss and Cas responds to him in the same way. Heat rushes through their body and Dean's anxiety of losing control hits him again. He kisses Castiel one more time on the corner of his mouth.

„To be continued, okay?“

\- „Okay.“

***


End file.
